Mama Kucing Blogs

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Ways to Aggravate Customer into A Lawsuit

Be warned. This is a ranting post. Feel free to skip this post. However, should you wish to read through, you may find a few useful tips in how to get a big fat lawsuit slam on your face.

1. Train Your Staff to Pretend to Work or Work Super Slow.

Make sure your staffs are properly train to answer customer's question with phrases like  "We are getting on it", "I'll look through the matter", "I'll get back to you soon" and "I'll check and call your back".

2. Never Returns Calls nor Answers Mail/e-mails

Save electricity, save phone bill and what ever bills for your company by never returning calls to  customer. If customer is earnest enough, they will call again or come and look for you in the office.

3. Make Yourself Unavailable.

When Customer come and look for you in the office, train your staffs to say that you are not available or had gone out "marketing".

If the Customer cornered you, make sure to let the customer know the matter is your priority and hustle the customer out of the office soonest possible. Under no circumstances that you should pick up the phone and check the status of the matter immediately.

4. Deny/Avoid Responsibility

At all times, you must deny responsibility. You may claim that Supplier screw-up, claim that your cat died and even blamed it on Acts of God but at all times, you must remember to DENY and AVOID responsibility.

5. Play Fetch The Stick With Customer.

This game was very popular in Government Departments in the old days. However, Government Department had dropped the game and started the horrible road to providing hassle free customer service.

Your company and staffs should adopt this game. Should you or your company be caught out making a mistake, sweep it under the carpet by throwing a lot of red herring to the customer. Hopefully, customer will be distracted enough that they would forget the matter completely.

6.  Get Androids to Man Customer Service Department.

Make sure that the Customer Service Department at your Big Boss side are manned by Androids in case the Customer got bored of playing fetch the stick. They might make a formal complaint to your Big Boss.

All acknowledgement of complaints MUST NOT be issue before the passing of a forth night.

7. Customer Service Department are to Impersonal All Correspondence

Start off all correspondence to Customer with the word "Dear Sir/Madam". Do not be bother to address them with their proper titles or names although they took the time to write it down for you with their contact numbers attached.

Most important of all, do not give out contact number of the the person in charge of the complaint to the Customer.

8. Pass the Bucket

In all circumstances, Customer Service Department must pass the bucket back to the originating place of complaint.

9. Leave the Customer in the Dark

Put in the following sentence in your correspondence "We are hoping to resolve the matter soon and have addressed the relevant department on the urgency of the matter and we shall advise you on the outcome accordingly."

In no circumstances should you be bother to up dated the customer on the progress of the complaint. Time may tamper with Customer's boiling temper.

In a week or two, if the Customer is earnest they will get back to you. Then you may musical chairs with the Customer all over again.

10. Enter into an Aggressive Defense.

People had always said that "The Best Defense Is A Good Offense".

When Customer mention lawsuit, reply them with the following "We are doing our very best to get things solves to minimize another menace...."

WOW! That would certainly be a great topping on the cake. The matter that the Customer brought up is just "another menace" in your opinion and therefore the Customer is just "another menace" that is there to screw up your day.

Be sure to add insult to injury by stating " Therefore, your cooperation is highly appreciated."

OH YEAH! Great job! Throw the ball back to the Customer. Now the Customer is the one who is not cooperating for daring to mention the word "lawsuit" despite the breach of contract on your side; despite the fact that the transaction should have been completed within TWO MONTHS. At most three months.

Give yourself a pat in the back for you have broke the record as it had taken you SIX MONTHS and nothing has been done. And better still is you have the golden opportunity to tell the Customer that it's back to square one. Everything had to be done all over again.

11. Never Apologize

Apology is a myth. Apology might lead to the issue being amicably solved and you won't get your day in Court.

As stated in the beginning, this is just a ranting post hence the comments function have been disabled. If you had read through this, I hope you had a laugh or two. In the event that the person and the staffs of the Company that I am ranting at stumbled upon this post, I hope that you realised how a tiny matter could turned into a circus. You had the chance to arrest the matter from turning into a circus many times, but you failed.
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